For the times when you wish you had the perfect comeback....
Disclaimer: Being sarcastic and mean does not pay. This is only intended to amuse my fellow cubicle dwellers who have had a tiring day and need a laugh before wrestling with Friday night traffic. Of course, if you're feeling really evil and put upon and have reached the end of your endurance, feel free to use any one of these. Just don't blame me for your loss of control.
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK AND OTHER PLACES
1. I can see your point but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
24. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
18 comments:
These are great.
Have a nice weekend!
xx
You should acutally try throwing the stick...just to see if it works. ;)
Steve~
I cannot ever remember these kinds of things when I truly need to recall them. Maybe I could get a few of them tattooed on my arm for reference, lol.
Oh they have so much venom. Try ignoring them. I use to go tit for tat until I realize I was only torturing myself in dealing with stupid people. These days I just tell them sentences that begin with
"Please allow me to..."
"Let me explain this once more..."
"Please help me to help you..."
I find that gentleness and civility work better than aggression, since I have long ago established a reputation for being tough. I am now working my way to nice.
Marie,
Thanks! I hope you have a good one too!
Steve,
Sometimes I'm really tempted.
Hey Cazzie!
I know what you mean. I printed it out and tacked it to my wall.
Ces,
I can't imagine you working your way to nice. You're always nice!
My friends and i had a lot of fun trading these insults over email. all in the spirit of fun of course and walang pikunan! I cannot imagine actually saying these things seriously to someone. :D
I get what you mean. I'm in a bitchy mood now too. But muz control myself. You'll never be happy when you bring unhappiness to others.
have a nice weekend!
Laugh out loud.
You always make me smile.
x
23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Working on a sunday almost seems worth it to read this....
Speaking of reading, i have picked up a copy of the The time travelers wife... So far i love it, ittakes a couple of chapter to get used to the jumps and chronology though:)
I also picked up a copy of Jill and the bean stalk writen in russian... IT's not tolstoy but its a start:)
Princess,
But it's fun to exchange these with friends though. :D
Caroline,
I'm glad I made you smile.
Aidan,
You're working on a Sunday??!!! That sucks!
Am glad you're loving TTW. I can't wait for you to finish it.
Good luck on the Russian. You and Stace must be getting pretty good at it if you're reading a book in Russian.
HAHAHAHA!
I am going to tattoo a couple of those on my body...one on my forehead and I seem to have enough room for a couple on my butt!
My faves are:
2/3/6/12/14/15/16/28..now I have choose!
HE,
Glad you like it. My personal faves are 14 and 11. :D
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Flashing sarcastic remarks. You really are living your double life.
LOL Menchie I have seen this one b4 :):)
Keshi.
I figure I can use all of these in one situation or another. I'm going to call them Menchies.
Keshi,
"If I throw a stick, will you go away?" is something you should have said to your crazy stalker guy. :D
WW,
Awww, I'm flattered! LOL! At least you're not going to do an HE and tatoo them on your butt. :D
admit it! you've said all these at one time or another - just never out loud! hahahaha!
so is Mags with you yet? how did the dinner go?
:)
Maria,
Uy, hindi! Just in my mind!!! Lunch lang kami ni Mags but not yet. Maybe tom or Thurs, haven't texted her yet.
Menchie, here's my favorite: "I'd slap you, but $#!T splatters."
Here's one I found myself using often when dealing with medical billing offices when Q was sick: "I'm going to speak slow so's you can understand..."
Ms. Val,
LOL! I loved those! Gotta add it to my list.
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